That's intense
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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