She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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