I wanna bring you to show and tell
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
