So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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