i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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