i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
