I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Randomize
