I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
