My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
