youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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