the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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