I cannot find my penis.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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