Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
