i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She even gives head with a lisp.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
