Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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