Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize