if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
