life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
