Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
