if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
