The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
