im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize