I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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