Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
