went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
