Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
