you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
