who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
