We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
