You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
