you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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