I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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