I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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