I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize