Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
