how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Are my feet made of real feet?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
