Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
