just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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