Whod you bang
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize