now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
