I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
