I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
