Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize