It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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