my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
