my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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