yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
A+ Viking dick
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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