Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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