cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
