I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
