We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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