he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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