taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize