I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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