Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
