I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My vagina just recognized that song.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
