I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
