I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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