so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
